Letter to myself, February 2023.
I slowly wandered into this silent space where I did not seem to understand myself anymore. The more I reached out to those that once knew me best the more unfamiliar I became with my voice as it seemed to come from another soul. I felt like I was no longer understood. This caused a further distance within me that I did not know how to reverse.
Upon further reflection, I remembered God has determined the optimal time and place for me to be alive in this world of His creation. And I have to know that He placed me here with a purpose, I just have to adjust to my current purpose as I age. Has my purpose migrated to a quieter voice and this is ok?
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them”
At first, I welcomed the solitude and enjoyed the silent words that I thought within, but soon they became the norm and the world of the spoken became unfamiliar to me. I felt when I spoke, no one heard me. It was not that no one cared, but more so, people did not know how to reach me, and I did not want to be reached for fear of being silenced by louder voices.
I felt like …. all I had were silent words….
It has not been until I heard God speaking to me, saying, change is ok, you are becoming aware of the woman I want you to be. With those words, I have learned to start trusting my voice again.
It started by feeling free to paint what I am feeling, without having to speak aloud. I feel like my thoughts are being heard on my canvas even those paintings that are never shown. I feel like I am learning to bring my solitude into a space of light and that I am understanding that there is strength within my silence.
I might have hidden for a time but by threading my emotional soul into painting strokes and charcoal marks, I feel I can tell my story with silent words until I can understand this new path the universe has taken me to. I know God already knows my light, but perhaps for this time, I have needed to be quiet for a learning deeper than my own knowledge It is my hope that I can paint my silent words until I can fully speak again.
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