Growth, Acceptance, as I age…

Letter to myself, February 2023.

I slowly wandered into this silent space where I did not seem to understand myself anymore. The more I reached out to those that once knew me best the more unfamiliar I became with my voice as it seemed to come from another soul. I felt like I was no longer understood. This caused a further distance within me that I did not know how to reverse.

Upon further reflection, I remembered God has determined the optimal time and place for me to be alive in this world of His creation. And I have to know that He placed me here with a purpose, I just have to adjust to my current purpose as I age. Has my purpose migrated to a quieter voice and this is ok?

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them”

Ephesians 2:10

At first, I welcomed the solitude and enjoyed the silent words that I thought within, but soon they became the norm and the world of the spoken became unfamiliar to me.  I felt when I spoke, no one heard me. It was not that no one cared, but more so, people did not know how to reach me, and I did not want to be reached for fear of being silenced by louder voices.

I felt like …. all I had were silent words….  

It has not been until I heard God speaking to me, saying, change is ok, you are becoming aware of the woman I want you to be. With those words, I have learned to start trusting my voice again. 

It started by feeling free to paint what I am feeling, without having to speak aloud.  I feel like my thoughts are being heard on my canvas even those paintings that are never shown. I feel like I am learning to bring my solitude into a space of light and that I am understanding that there is strength within my silence.

I might have hidden for a time but by threading my emotional soul into painting strokes and charcoal marks, I feel I can tell my story with silent words until I can understand this new path the universe has taken me to. I know God already knows my light, but perhaps for this time, I have needed to be quiet for a learning deeper than my own knowledge It is my hope that I can paint my silent words until I can fully speak again.

2 responses to “Growth, Acceptance, as I age…”

  1. I have a hard time expressing myself but I am emotional but I don’t express it to my family are old friends. I keep it tight within me. My vulnerability stays within me I don’t show it outwardly. When I paint, I have no emotion ….so I thought but something must come out for me to create . I have to reach deep into my heart and soul to to find it. It’s my journey I believe to find that vulnerability and express it when I paint. I don’t see what other people see in my art. I have kept my emotions in check for so long that it’s hard to show it. I feel that God is showing me a way to show my vulnerability and my feelings and to rejoice in it and not hide it.

    1. Michele, I felt like this when I first retired from my professional job. Your work and your art are different parts of the brain and learning to separate the usage takes time!! You art is coming out…. it is happening. YOU will as you keep painting trust yourself within. Of course this is all my thoughts but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. Perhaps write a letter to yourself with all these thoughts to review, and update yearly.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: