This is the first year in six years that I put up Christmas decorations, tree and all. Down deep, I guess I was depressed by my mothers health, then death. I truly believe I started grieving losing her to Alzheimer’s before she left me for Heaven.
I miss so much about her. We spoke every day, most days twice a day. She always wanted me to be happy. She helped me through every problem I was having, every decision I was making. She was such a huge part of my life and I can hear her voice now encouraging me even when we were miles apart.
Nothing prepared me for losing my mother twice, once to Alzheimer’s and then to her actual death. I have had friends throughout the years lose their own mothers and I felt sad for them but I really had no idea how painful it was to lose someone that was so close to my heart, soul and spirit.
Perhaps, if you have not lost your mother, you cannot fully understand the depths of grief that overcomes you. The pain has been crippling, and random moments of memories bring burning tears.
I recently admitted to myself that I have not resolved the trauma of her death, the events of those last days, the emptiness of being there holding her hand but not knowing if she knew I was there as she slipped into being an Angel.
But, the main reason I wanted to share this blog was the healing power of being a believer brings. I know that I will never see my mother again physically, but I will see her again. She was a Christian and her spiritual life has gone on. She no longer carries the painful chains of her disease, she is free now. She is in God’s presence and no longer fearful from the disease she lived with.
I am reminded of the verses in the Bible, Revelations 21:4-5 that both helps me in my grief and in knowing my mother is actually in a better place. I selfishly cannot wish she were still here when she was in so much pain.
The Bible says….. “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Behold, I make all things new.”
I held onto this pain of her death and those final days in hospice for a long time. I am a strong Christian, but her death held me in captive. The loss and the events consumed me to the point I felt like I could not breath and by not decorating, it was like I was in suspension. I knew better, but I also know there is no limit of time on grieving.
If you are grieving, consider reading Revelations 21: 4-5 and really believing in the words. Record your thoughts in a prayer journal and give yourself time and space to grieve. Then……….. go decorate that tree!!