"An Artist's Walk with God"

I recently bought two wigs to wear.  When I bought them, I had the intention of looking like the model in the picture and taking 20 years off my entire body!!  Seriously!! Well, that did cross my mind.  But that is not the reason.

Let me tell you what happened when I got them.  I put on the short haired blonde wig and surprised my husband when he came home from work (I work from home). He honestly thought I had cut my hair.  He could not tell.  By the way, my little girl cat Diva could tell and she wanted to grab it off my head and run away with it.  Maybe she thought it was another animal for her to play with.

After I laughed at my husband I took the wig off and said “see… I still have long hair!”   He asked “Why did you buy that wig?”   I said, I not only bought this short haired blonde one, I bought a mid length dark hair one.  Well, he hated that one.  I would have been a bit mad at him for thinking I was crazy, but I did not buy them for him, I bought them for me.

I LOVE  both my new wigs.  So why did I buy them? Am I going to wear them? And the answer will perhaps surprise you.  It is not to look younger or to change my looks, but to just have fun.  Menopause and post-menopause can only be explained and truly understood by those that have or are going through it.  Even perimenopause which was a long time period for me is hard to deal with.  No man can, no matter how sweet he is,  understand the emotions, the lack of emotions, the depression, the tears, the desire to be free, but be held all at the SAME TIME, the fears, the …. fill in the blanks here ladies.  I bought them for me to allow myself some “me time” so I could be a better me FOR HIM.

Ok, I have heard, take vitamins, exercise, do not eat dairy, drink green tea, stand on your head….. yup, I have heard it all and yet, we may try these things but do we find that they work?  Some combination might, but underneath it all, is the body that is strange to us.  I have had close friend tell me she feels like the “body snatchers” came and invaded her.

I also have had some really close sweet friends (that have not experienced this yet) tell me I was depressed all the time and I should get some advise.  SO, I trudged to the doctors to ask for help.  I listened and ended up crying because I thought I was letting those around me down because they thought I was  depressed.  I also felt like I could not tell anyone I was sad at times, because I was afraid they would tell me to “get happy!”

Here is what I have come to the concluded for ME ONLY, but wanted to share with you.  I am going to be depressed.  I am going to feel like I have no friends.  I am going to feel like my husband will never understand me.  I am going to hate that my skin is dry, my hair is thinning, my body is sagging and I will accept all this because as Christians, that is what we do, right?  But, I will NOT HIDE from it.  if I hide, I am not helping anyone especially myself.

I have now learned to ALLOW myself time to be NICE TO MYSELF.  If I want to cry and watch a sappy girly movie all by myself, I will and not let those around me tell me I am … acting funny.  I am going to also get over that emotion and come back to earth, but not allow myself to feel like there was something wrong that I needed time alone.

Once I told those around me that I needed time to mourn my bodies weirdness, I allow myself the time to heal.  I do not beat myself up.  There are days I am so blue FOR NO REASON at all but I will allow myself to be blue as long as I know my ground rules.

The KEY…. is to not let any of this become a habit.  If I feel grumpy, I allow my time, but I to not let my grumpiness become a habit.  Once I allow any feeling to last too long, or get in the way of my relationships, I ask myself, do I need more time to heal or do I need to fight through it?

So the wigs are one of my ways to be nice to myself, and enjoy my good moments.  If I need time, I will put on one of my wigs and just be happy.  I can laugh to myself and no one (but you that have read my blog) will understand my silliness.  I am allowing myself to have my time.

Psalms 44:21 ” Shall not God search this out? for he knoweth the secrets of the heart.”  God knows how hard this is for me and he knows how I am and how I react.  I pray daily that God will walk with me through this path, and I know He will.

I am wearing the dark haired one today!!  With bright pink lipstick.