For two weeks I have been depressed and could not figure out what was the trigger. Many times if I can go to the trigger of my feelings, I can take steps to work through my issue. But I just could not figure it out.
Well, this morning I DID!! I started painting 6 months ago from being inspired by my daughter-in-law Addy. I remember our first painting together, I still have it. (look to the upper left corner of the wall) Addy and I love to make messes. We do crafts when we are together. Note here: God gave one of my best friends when he have me my daughter in law. So, I made a visit out to their home and she got out all her canvases and paints and brushes. I was so excited but sat down with a little canvas and paint and a brush and was paralyzed. Looking a blank canvas is such an intimidating feeling. I did not know where to start. So Addy helped me. In fact we did the painting together. She taught me balance, shadowing and so many other things that day.
That was my start into loving painting. I love new blank canvases. I love the chaos of my little office having no room to move because of all the paint, brushes, and easel.
But, God was working in my heart. This week someone asked me why I named one of my paintings a certain name? I thought I was giving him the answer he wanted, but he kept saying I was not telling him my inspiration for the painting. I answered him THREE times and was getting a bit frustrated with him. He said he did not want me to tell him how to look at the painting, he wanted me to tell him what inspired me.
So that took me on a journey. What is my inspiration when I paint? Is my heart in the right place, am I really doing this for God’s glory? Was everything right in my soul? I thought so.
Here was my journey.
I called my dad (it used to me my mom but she has dementia and I have lost her). My dad is a musician and incredibly talented artistically. He said each painting should say something for others to feel.
I looked to my FB page of new artists in their journey for their input. Many of them paint from a photo, or another painting and paint realism. Their inspiration is already formed when they pick up the brush. Many of them struggle with inspiration on a blank canvas.
Then I got on my knees and went to ask God.
I have always been a controlled business person in my business career. Rarely did I stray from the proven into the world of an unknown outcome. Even as a Christian I always thought I had to be controlled and structured all the time. I never made a mess.
Even my dear husband told me several days ago to stop painting for awhile and let my inventory sell. That very day I painted a painting that sold for $850 within 2 hours of posting it. I am not saying do not listen to your husband, but I am saying listen to your heart. Trust when you are asking for God to speak to you that He will do just that. AND THEN LISTEN!
I am almost 60 years young and for the first time I am letting go of the safety net of structure and a controlled state and I am letting myself the freedom to actually be inspired.
I have found that I feel more alive doing abstract where I have no idea of what I am going to paint. I let the paint land on the canvas and take on a life of its own. I cry when I paint many times because the feeling is like none I have ever had. When I paint, I WANT to be uncontrolled and be free in my mind. I want to let creativity run wild and throw caution to the wind.
The battle I was having is that is it is ok to be free and unstructured. I am not a failure because get paint all over the floor or that I left my brushes in the water for two days because I was painting for 2 days!! I am so out of what I felt was the norm all my life, but I am walking this path with God and it is ok.
YES, all is well with my soul today.
PS, my $850 painting.